Home » Blog » Football: Prima Donnas, Poetry, and Pinheads (ahem, Colin Kaepernick)

Football: Prima Donnas, Poetry, and Pinheads (ahem, Colin Kaepernick)

It’s almost the start of another regular NFL season and, as usual, I am lowering my expectations for my Chargers so I don’t get disappointed yet again. There is still speculation about whether they will be getting a new stadium (is THIS the year?) or whether they might migrate to Los Angeles and share the Rams’ new stadium in Inglewood. Since the joint Chargers-Raiders proposal for a Carson, CA, stadium failed to reach fruition, the Chargers’ future remains unsure. As for the Raiders, well, they may be headed for Sin City.

Also of note concerning the Bolts is the drama between the Spanos family and #3 draft pick Joey Bosa (DE Ohio State) who hasn’t signed his rookie contract. Yet another spoiled, entitled, prima donna who feels slighted because of some offset language in his contract and disagreement over when he would receive his $17 million signing bonus. He and his agent assert that Bosa isn’t getting the same consideration and money that every other #3 pick has gotten since the new collective bargaining agreement went into effect in 2011.

First of all, I’m sorry, but life isn’t fair. Where else can one decide not to go to work because s/he’s not making the same as someone else who happened to be hired at the same time AND STILL KEEP HIS/HER JOB?!! Only in professional sports, folks. He’s getting the full amount but he wants it now (*insert temper tantrum emoji here*). How very Veruca Salt of him, don’tcha think?

Secondly, I’ll sign a contract with the Chargers to clean the locker room for a mere $50,000 signing bonus. I cannot even fathom the concept of $17 million. And, if I do a good job, then perhaps I can get a raise. Bosa, on the other hand, wants to be paid sight unseen simply because of his impressive college career. I have a few words in rebuttal: Johnny Manziel (CLE), JaMarcus Russell (OAK), Aaron Curry (SEA), Jason Smith (STL), Gerald McCoy (TB), Sam Bradford (STL), and Ryan Leaf (SD)—each of whom was given a ridiculously large rookie contract and signing bonus yet were complete busts. Man up Bosa. Earn your money like we regular people have to.

Speaking of rants (well, not speaking of them, just me continuing mine), I read an article this morning that infuriated me. Colin Kaepernick, the perpetually mediocre 49ers quarterback refused to stand for the National Anthem and said “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses Black people and people of color … To me, this is bigger than football. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.” Hey buddy, did you forget that you are biracial and were adopted by white parents? Oh, and your ridiculous $126 million contract you secured after ONE good year and have done absolutely NOTHING since. Such torturous oppression…someone, quick, call the NAACP! Plain and simple, the 49ers should fire him and the NFL should fine him. Period.

But I’m sure that Roger Goodell won’t do anything. After all, he denied the Dallas Cowboys’ request to wear a helmet decal honoring the fallen police officers who were ambushed and murdered, but it was okay for the Saints to wear decals for murdered teammate Will Smith, or for the then-St. Louis Rams to walk out onto the field with the “hands up” gesture in “honor” of Ferguson. Or even for the Giants, Jets, and Patriots to honor the Sandy Hook victims (as they should be). But honoring police officers who put their lives on the line (and these guys, LITERALLY) to protect ungrateful citizens violates the league’s uniform policy?!

I also finally got back into the NFL article writing groove. Here’s my first of the season. Enjoy. Or not.

On a lighter note, I also decided to ring in the occasion with a poem about every team in the league. (Surprisingly, my mom came up with the title.)

Hail Mary

Everyone’s favorite Oakland Raiders,
Crazy fans resembling space invaders.
“America’s team” the Dallas Cowboys,
Listening to their deranged fans annoys.

Who can criticize the Green Bay Packers?
A great fan base with numerous backers.
Recent host of the Super Bowl, San Fran,
Who kept Kaepernick, that flash in the pan.

Arians amped the Arizona Cards,
Many clutch players compiling mass yards.
A rather successful crew is the Pats,
‘Cause of Gronk, Edelman, not Brady’s flats.

The Meadowlands’ other squad is the Jets,
A wildly erratic team, hold your bets.
The mediocre Miami Dolphins,
Repeatedly average seven wins.

The Bucs are improving in Tampa Bay,
The team one of my faves—VJ—does play.
Also strong, the Chiefs of Kansas City,
With a defense nothing short of gritty.

Russell Wilson’s impressive for the Hawks,
But my oh my, Richard Sherman sure talks.
Perpetually troubled Cleveland Browns,
Who frequently give up the ball on downs.

Los Angeles reacquired the Rams,
After Stan Kroenke shelled out some clams.
The Ravens’ home city is Baltimore,
World Champs five years prior, but nevermore.

Fans like me are frustrated by the Bolts,
And wish they were consistent like the Colts.
Just two losing seasons since ’99,
Andrew Luck replacing Manning just fine.

In the nation’s capital, the Redskins,
Repeated seasons, inadequate wins.
The Megatron-less Lions in Detroit,
Still have players who are rather adroit.

O.J.’s old team, the Bills of Buffalo,
Enjoy home games in ridiculous snow.
Carolina’s Panthers, another cat,
In last year’s Super Bowl they just fell flat.

Music City’s own team is the Titans,
When Mariota is hot, he frightens.
Since ’95, Jacksonville’s had the Jags,
Who are oft-penalized by yellow flags.

New Orleans beloved team, the Saints,
Often the subject of many complaints.
How ‘bout the purple people eater Vikes?
Who once had Favre with his massive air strikes.

I’d be remiss without naming Da Bears,
Forte and Cutler showcasing their wares.
How about those Bengals losing Wildcard games?
Try as they might, they can’t achieve their aims.

World champion Broncos play a mile high,
A team many love but I vilify.
I also detest the Giants New York,
Wanting to stab Eli with a pitchfork.

Big Ben and Brown are the leaders in Pitt,
Another team I cannot stand one bit.
The Andy Reid-less Eagles in Philly,
Now have Murray running willy-nilly.

Losing ground, the Falcons in Atlanta,
Ought write a collective plea to Santa.
Last but not least are the Houston Texans,
Nothing rhymes with Houston or with Texans.

(*Disclaimer: The opinions of this author may not reflect the opinions of the NFL, teams, owners, or players.)

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